Ecclesiastes 3 reminds us, there is…
A Time for Everything
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
It can be so hard to be patient through certain seasons. It can be so overwhelming waiting for darkness to make way for sunrise, for new light, new hope. For relief from pain, whether it is physical pain or chronic emotional pain, or the pain of acute trauma, physical or emotional. We are meant to experience joy in life; joy to the fullest.
Even in periods of pain, there is so much to be grateful for; so many blessings all around us. Miracles forming in front of us daily, if we pay attention. Yet it is SO easy to look at what’s missing instead of all that surrounds, EVEN when you KNOW that what you focus on grows. If you let energy flow toward thoughts of what you WISH you had, you will always feel like you’re lacking; but if you focus on all that you do ALREADY have, you will feel like life is abundantly blessed, even in times of hardship or struggles.
Even the things we value the most may make life feel like a struggle. Children are arguably our biggest gifts from God and blessings and yet parenting is no easy task. Parenting can be fraught with sleepless nights, frustrating arguments, worry, fear, logistical challenges and more, but we who get to be parents are BLESSED. It’s easy to see how those who have not received this blessing can appreciate so well what we have. It’s similar with my feelings about having lost my husband when he died in Afghanistan ten years ago. I want everyone who still has their husband to appreciate what a gift they are; and yet divorce rates are higher than ever, spouses are struggling to get along and make time for one another, to communicate openly and effectively, monogamy is seemingly fleeing the scene of society, and more. “Marriage is not easy; marriage is work,” they might say. They’re right.
Marriage is work. Parenting is work. Satisfying careers are still work, even if we love what we do. My mom told me my grandmother used to say, “When kids are young, they step on your toes. When kids get older, they step on your heart.” These sharp pains we can experience that reverberate from the relationships we have with those we love can, if we are not careful, lead us to wishing time away; excited to see the kids grow into a maturity where they understand things better; where they can hold their tongue; where they can appreciate us and understand how much we just love them and that we’re just trying to guide them and care for them as best we know how.
Wishing time away is dangerous. Because life happens in seasons. It occurred to me on my son’s birthday this past year that once his day came and he turned twelve, he would never, ever get to be eleven again. One day the kids will grow and mature and understand, but like us, they won’t get to come back and do things differently; respond differently. We all just get one shot at each day; to make the most of it, to experience it, to make it count, to learn from it and grow from it.
I saw an alarming statistic last year that by the time the kids reach the age of 12, 75% of the time we have with them is gone; by the time they are 18 years old, 90% is in our rearview mirror. It makes you just want to soak up every moment, be there every moment, cast everything else aside, and shower them with love and attention. Yet, is that really the best path?! Life is supposed to be in balance. Life is to be lived to the richest extent possible. But life is like a rainbow. It’s not just one color. Being a mom and having children is one part of life, like one color of the rainbow. Our lives though have a fullness that contains so many things; so many colors.
We all have a unique spirit, soul, purpose and path. We all have varying degrees of different “colors” in our spectrum; we all have different gifts to share with the world and those around us. Perhaps the greatest goal is to, despite all odds and obstacles, fully appreciate every aspect of our lives. At the end of life, to be able to look back and say from our dying day that we have no regrets because we have enjoyed it all. It’s easy to do when life is good, but life is such a rollercoaster, unpredictable and incomparable because it’s different for all of us. Holding onto gratitude deep in our bones when we are in really HARD times, or even just chronically challenging times, is the gold standard. There is a song called “Joy Deep as Sorrow” and it has resonated with me so much over the years in the desire to feel the joy as deep as we feel grief and the pain of loss.
Joy to the fullest looks different for everyone. Some moms are meant to stay home with their kids all through their childhoods. These women are my heroes. The discipline it takes to manage a role that is 24/7/365 that pays nothing and comes with no handbook, no structure, no real vacation days, and which is constantly changing (as the kids grow), is so dynamic and requires so much patience, energy, love, acceptance, faith, and serenity that almost all of us admittedly fall short in this role despite our best efforts. We see that the stakes are high and we want the best for our kids above everything, but the answers don’t always come, the path is not always clear, self-control can be a struggle (for me at least) and burnout is not an option. We question ourselves, our choices and our actions and have to continue forward without anyone verifying or validating with certainty how we are measuring up in our job performance. Being a mother takes more courage, commitment and stamina than any career in the world.
Some moms are working moms all throughout their kids’ lives. One of my greatest life struggles has been the ultimate question for a mother: to work or not to work. Many don’t ever have that choice. They have to work to provide for their children and survive themselves. I remember thinking I did not have a choice with our financial situation; we needed both incomes. Then came the time when I did have the choice; an incredible blessing, and yet, with the blessing came the question, what was the RIGHT thing to do? I think so many moms feel if they can stay home with the kids, they should because the kids are the most important thing and they should be able to do the best job logically if their time and energy is not divided between motherhood and a separate career.
The problem with logic though is that it doesn’t account for everything. It’s too simplistic. I have experienced both sides of motherhood, both being home and making my kids my everything, and having a career and juggling motherhood with my career and work priorities. My conclusion is that it is overwhelming either way. There is a saying something like this is hard, that is hard, choose your hard. So often we think when we’re on a hard path that if we had taken or been able to take the alternate path in life, things would be better somehow; less challenging, less overwhelming, but that is not true. It’s not less challenging, it just has different challenges. According to Dr. Seuss, “nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.”
As I write this, I am at a turning point where I am preparing to potentially return to work in my career field. My stomach twists in knots at whether or not it’s best for the kids and how it will impact them; how it may affect their future. I know that the kids need us in middle and high school as much as they did when they were young, no matter how much they try to assert their independence and develop self-sufficiency. Making this decision feels like a matter of life and death; like the stakes couldn’t be higher, and yet, I have seen many grow up with working moms to be the most incredible people, and I have seen the same from those with moms at home, and the opposite with both, and everything in-between.
As a Christian mom, I am called to choose faith over fear. I am called to trust in God’s good will for my life; his provision, guidance, grace and mercy. A friend helped me understand years ago, “Care deeply, but you can’t control outcomes.” Better words I had never heard. There is nowhere a mom cares more deeply about outcomes than for the survival and happiness of her children. But we CANNOT control outcomes. Saint Padre Pio said, “Pray, hope and don’t worry. Worry is useless. God is merciful and will hear your prayer.” Another quote about worry whose author I don’t know, but I have been parroting for years is that “Worry doesn’t take away tomorrow’s troubles. It takes away today’s peace.” I can definitely relate to that.
My prayer life has grown stronger recently and every day I pray for God’s will, not mine, to be done for my life. This includes my family. I have to believe God will not allow my return to a career if that career will be the wrong thing for my family. Some may argue this point, but I don’t want to argue, I want to believe. I want to choose faith over fear. I also see my self and ego in the way and I strive to cast them aside. How arrogant is it of me to think that whether I go back to work full-time or not is the be all end all of my kids’ chances of survival?! There are SO many more forces and factors involved in my kids’ surviving and thriving than just my occupational decision. I want to argue that it’s not really that big of a deal either way; that those who would disagree with me have some stake in the matter, even if it is simply their ego. I want to let go of the tight hold I have over living where my decisions are so serious. I have learned recently that the best thing I can do is to “wear life like a loose garment.”
For any other moms out there struggling with this or who have or will, I wish you so much peace in your path either way, knowing there is no right or wrong answer, no better path or worse, there is just the path we choose, and often, like a game of Plinko, that old game from “The Price is Right,” one choice or decision leads us down a path to the next, and then we make another choice and that puts us on another path, and so on. Our role as a mother has no defining parameters in how we manage the logistics of the day-to-day responsibility; it is excessively vague, and maybe that is intentional on God’s part, to give us the free will to draw in the journey that fits each of us and our families the best. Our assignment as mothers is just this: love our children, with all of our hearts, guide them, care for them, protect them and provide for them. Occupational decisions, through that mission of motherhood, are really neither here nor there.
So if you have to work, I pray you can work and be joyful about it. If you have a choice and you “stay home” I pray you enjoy that to the fullest. If you have a choice and you choose to work, I pray you trust that is God’s will for your life and don’t let guilt stand in the way. Our kids will learn lessons in life from what we model for them, and lessons come in all varieties of circumstances. The best mom is a happy mom.
If you’re not sure what is right for you, I think one of the greatest gifts is to do what Laura McKowen recommends and “find a place where the truth is told.” We live in a culture very entrenched in fear and fear-based thinking and fear-based goals and choices. But “fear doesn’t prevent death; it prevents life.” (Naguib Mahfouz). “Your mind is a dangerous place. Don’t go there alone.” We have to talk openly about matters such as these; matters of the heart.
Frida Kahlo said, “I want to be my own person.” That is a good goal. I want my kids to get to be their own person too. That is the beauty of life; to get to choose. This is why we cannot stop others when they make choices we think are wrong; the greatest autonomy in life is the chance to choose for ourselves; we shouldn’t want to take that experience from anyone. If it takes them down an unfortunate or painful season of life, we can relate. We, too, have had painful seasons, and yet, “there is a time for everything under the sun.” I wish we may feel it all, in every season, so at the end of our days we can look back and say we truly lived.
